


I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

by LinguisticJubilee



Series: Unexpected Surprises [1]
Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: #coulsonlives, Christmas Crack, Complete Abuse of Mythology History and Physics, Crack, It's a seasonal brew, M/M, Sappy, like Sam Adam's Winter Lager
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-02
Updated: 2012-12-02
Packaged: 2017-11-19 19:57:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/577063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LinguisticJubilee/pseuds/LinguisticJubilee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Thor takes in Santa’s large, white beard and legendary reputation and draws a few surprisingly accurate conclusions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

“Brave Tony, you do speak truly! All the items one can ever desire can be found in this market. What miracles Midgard has!” Thor reverently held up a value-pack box of Pop-Tarts.

“Stark, I grew up in Iowa and then a circus,” Clint said, throwing a giant bag of cheese popcorn into his cart, “and Christmas shopping in Wal-Mart is too white trash even for me.” Phil promptly removed the cheese popcorn and placed it back on the shelf.

So far, Tony’s declared “Special Kick-Ass Avengers Bonding Moment” was going well, despite the oppressive tackiness of the world’s largest retailer. Phil and Clint were shopping for the extended Coulson family, Natasha spent an alarming amount of time in the fish tackle section, and Steve had carefully collected a graphing calculator, a Garmin GPS, and a digital blood sugar monitor. Even Bruce was having a good time, despite mumblings about the vices of free trade and labor conditions for Bangladeshi sweatshop workers.

“Hark! Buy one get one free!” Thor bounded forward. 

“HO HO HO, MERRY CHRISTMAS!” The Avengers, expert assassins and proven superheroes all, jumped.

In front of them stood a terrifying life-size robotic singing Santa. Its plastic arms jerked up and down in rhythm with its mechanical hips. “DECK THE HALLS WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY,” it sang, recorded verbotto horrifying in its unrelenting cheer.

“Who is this?” Thor asked, in a chilled voice that made everyone freeze.

“--‘TIS THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY--”

“It’s supposed to be Santa Claus,” Bruce said, shooting everyone a bemused look, “but it’s a poor representation.” 

“ _This_ is your Santa Claus?” Thor demanded, his eyes never leaving Robot Santa’s unblinking stare. “This is the man whom you beckon to hurry down the chimney tonight?

“--DON WE NOW OUR GAY APPAREL--”

Thor turned to the group, his face a mixture of horror and revulsion. “And you willingly subject yourself to this?”

“--TROLL THE ANCIENT YULE TIDE CAROL--”

“Woah, calm down, Thor,” Clint said, taking a step forward. “Look, I know that thing’s a little Stepford, but ‘subjecting’--?”

“--FA-LA-LA-LA-LAAA, LA-LA. LA. LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

“AAARGH!” Thor roared, and lifted Mjolnir and smashed Robot Santa into pieces. The Wal-Mart fell into silence. He looked up, and then down at the ruins of plastic St. Nick. “Forgive me friends,” he said, quietly. “I’m afraid my emotions have overcome me. If you’ll excuse me...” and, without looking any of them in the eye, he spun Mjolnir and flew off, whipping past the greeter on his way out the automatic doors.

After a long moment, Clint cleared his throat. “I know we’re all thinking it, so I’m just going to say it. Why is now the first time Thor has seen Santa Claus?”

***

They found Thor on the roof of the Tower, gazing out at the frosty Manhattan skyline.

“Where’s Dr. Foster?” Steve asked Coulson, quietly.

“She’s at a S.H.I.E.L.D research outpost somewhere in the Arctic circle,” Coulson replied. 

Steve sighed, and stepped out towards Thor. “Hey,” he said softly, placing a hand on an armor-plated shoulder, “would you like to talk about what happened back there?”

“Forgive me,” Thor said, turning towards the group, “it was wrong of me to flee, but today the horror overwhelmed me. You all, being Midgardians, are far too attached to the season to see its true nature. This-- _relationship_ \--that has come between your people and this Claus is a violently repressive one. And yet you worship him as some benevolent force! I have been closely monitoring your culture’s behavior since this season began, and it worries me.” 

Steve met Thor’s gaze seriously. “Thor, Santa Claus is not oppressing humankind, I assure you. It’s meant to be a happy--”

“And yet he spies on your children while they are sleeping!” Thor cried, standing. “And yet he catalogues every transgression, monitoring all those under his yoke lest they should step out of line! He hands you boons to keep you pacified, but I ask you how long before the Avengers get too powerful, and you too are deemed naughty boys and girls.”

“Thor,” Steve said, “Santa is a story. He’s not real.” 

The laugh Thor gave was bitter. “I had wondered that, until I saw that face today. While crude and oversimplified, the image was unmistakable. My friends, how could you ever forgive me? I swear I did not know.” Thor looked at the ground, and his voice was full of shame. “Your Santa Claus is my father.”

There was a long and lengthy pause. “At the risk of sounding ridiculous,” Phil said finally, “Thor's assessment may have more grounding in fact than we believe.”

“Well, shit,” Clint said, with feeling.

“Incorporating Dr. Banner's newly developed methods of detecting gamma radiation with Dr. Foster's work in astrophysics, S.H.I.E.L.D researchers have come to believe that Asgardian travels to Earth may have been far more extensive than previously thought. Who knows? Maybe Santa Claus is yet another myth caused by the Aesir.” 

“Well, I know a pretty damn definitive way to find out,” Tony said, and inwardly every Avenger cringed. “Guess who has two thumbs and the location of Dr. Foster’s research outpost?” 

***

 

Jane Foster sat in front the Avengers, Thor's head in her lap. She glared down at them as if they were to blame for her boyfriend's distress. “I’m not saying it isn’t possible. But we’re talking about a lot of ‘ifs’ here, most of which have nothing to do with physics and everything to do with sociology. The most I can do for you is say that, yes, Einstein-Rosen bridges have been created between the Earth and Asgard for millennia.” 

“Yes, but could you say--” And like that, they were off. Three physicists and S.H.I.E.L.D.’s most scarily competent agent debating the nature of inter-planetary travel.

Clint, meanwhile, was spinning on a rolling chair. “Isolated scientist goes bezerk.” 

Natasha fluffed her hair. “S.H.I.E.L.D. did a sweep before letting Dr. Foster set up here. There’s no other research laboratories within hundreds of miles.” 

“Rampaging penguin.” 

“Antartic, not Artic.” 

“Gene-manipulated evil polar bear.”

“Endangered, you’re not allowed to shoot it.” 

“Dammit, Natasha! I will need my bow for something.”

“No, you won’t, and that’s why Coulson didn’t let you bring it.” 

The computer next to Clint beeped. He glanced suspiciously at the screen. “Hey, uh, Dr. Foster?”

The scientific chatter stopped. “Please, call me Jane.” 

“Okay...Jane. Your computer’s saying 'there’s a singularity spotted--'” 

Jane flung Thor off her and rushed to the computer. “We need to move, now,” she said, her fingers flinging at the keys. “There’s an Einstein-Rosen bridge forming..at the North Pole.” 

Clint stuck his tongue out at Natasha.

***

The Avengers scrambled out of their S.H.I.E.L.D-issued vehicles and moved towards the hurling whirl of ice and snow. The winds collapsed and, standing in the center of ornate etchings in the snow, was Odin, complete with robe and what could only be described as a gleaming, metallic sleigh pulled by eight ferocious antlered beasts.

Odin at least had the decency to look ashamed.

“Father,” Thor cried, taking a step towards. “What is the meaning of this?”

Odin sighed, a long, regretful sound. He stepped out onto the snow next to Thor. “Son,” he said, “can you forgive an old man his weakness?”

Thor looked crushed. “So it really is you who abuses these people?”

“Abuse? No, no, my boy, never,” Odin said, shocked. “I know not what tales may be told, but I promise, I never had any but the purest intentions.” He looked away. “Long ago, when the battles between Jotunheim and Asgard raged across this world, I led my brethren into battle and away from home. I did not regret doing my duty, but I confess, I missed you. It eased the pain for a time to give small tokens to little ones who passed my way during Yuletide. I had no idea the stories Midgardians were capable of imagining. Slowly, I became this, a sum greater than my parts.” Odin looked up, and gave his son a sad smile. “I continued visiting, long after the battles were won and there was no excuse. I find young children, starving or in need, and give them a small piece of hope. Perhaps it is a weakness. But I am old, and have a soft spot for Midgardian children. They do so remind me of you and your brother.”  


Thor’s eyes grew kind, and he embraced his father. “Caring is no weakness,” he said. 

After a moment, Odin pulled away. “Dear Thor, would you like to accompany me on my journey today?” 

Thor beamed. “I would like nothing more, Father.” 

Tony started to slow clap. Steve elbowed him in the ribs. “Ow, what, it’s adorable! And super-soldier elbows are cheating!” 

“Ssh,” Steve said. “Don’t ruin the moment.” 

“Ah,” Odin said, “and these must be your warrior companions!”

Introductions were made, embraces were given, bonds of brotherhood were sworn, and finally the two Asgardians seated themselves in the massive sleigh. Tony leaned over and whispered to Clint. “Wait for it,” he said. “I explained to Thor the ‘traditional Yuletide farewell.’”

The sleigh ascended, and as it shot over the Avengers’ heads, they could hear Thor’s booming cry: “Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”  
“Classic,” Clint laughed, and wiped away a tear.

**Author's Note:**

> For FeelsTide 2012 Prompt 15. 
> 
> (By the way, did you know that the “Santa Claus” in the song is really just dressed-up Daddy? Because I didn’t. This just got cleared up for me last week. I spent my childhood thinking Santa was an adulterer.)


End file.
